The Place Where Jack Pendarvis has a "Blog"

Beat Baby

2012-01-31T17:24:00.000-08:00

My friend Chicken sends me that issue of LIFE I was looking for... in "internet" form! "Click" here to see the whole thing. I see that the crummy article I wanted to read isn't actually titled "Beats: Sad But Noisy Rebels," as previously stated. That's just the way it's identified on the cover. In the magazine, the title is "The Only Rebellion Around: But the Shabby Beats Bungle the Job In Arguing, Sulking, and Bad Poetry." Ouch! Plus there's a photo spread that claims to show "The Well-Equipped Pad." It includes "Beat baby, who has fallen asleep on floor after playing with beer cans."

Frightful Paroxysm

2012-01-31T14:51:00.000-08:00

Speaking of UFOs, a while back Dr. Theresa and I were watching a 1956 documentary called U.F.O. on TCM. It featured lots of recreations of "actual events." The hero was a man named Al Chop, a reporter, who was played in the film by some other reporter. Why not an actor? That's a great question. For some reason the name Al Chop tickled us and we had a chuckle whenever he strode into a room and said stiffly, "I'm Al Chop." I assumed he was some sort of composite character, but it turns out there was a real Al Chop. "Click" here if you don't believe me! Also, there is AN ENTIRE "BLOG" JUST ABOUT THAT MOVIE. Oh, "internet"! You have everything on you. In one portion of the movie, they talk about a LIFE magazine article that blows the lid off the big government UFO cover-up. So, you know how they have those bound copies of old magazines in the library, right? I went to the library today and thumbed through the actual LIFE magazine (April 7, 1952). There was a picture of Marilyn Monroe on the cover, natch! (See the headline in the upper right corner.) The article had a charmingly formal and polite title: "Have We Visitors From Space?" It was illustrated with "a scrupulously accurate eyewitness painting of a mysterious green fireball rushing through the night sky over New Mexico." Ha ha! I love the idea of an "eyewitness painting." Beautiful! The article had wonderful phrases in it like "whirling doughnuts" and "frightful paroxysm of light." I also looked for the November 30, 1959, issue of LIFE because this Kerouac bio says that some mean jerk wrote a snotty article about Kerouac in it: "The journalist's bitterness was evident," according to the bio. The title of the article - much less polite than "Have We Visitors From Space?" - is "Beats: Sad But Noisy Rebels." That volume was missing.

A Hot Cup of Water

2012-01-31T06:46:00.000-08:00

An ANONYMOUS SOURCE has emailed us with the startling news that TV's "The Nanny" was picked up by a UFO! That's what she says. And she has the scar to prove it! But her ex-husband says she "got the small scar on her hand from a drill bit or burning herself holding a hot cup of water."

Good One, O'Hara

2012-01-29T16:22:00.000-08:00

Hey I am all for Jack Kerouac. But I was just reading in this bio how he went to a Frank O'Hara reading and heckled. Not cool, Kerouac! Kerouac yelled out, "You're ruining American poetry, O'Hara!" And O'Hara shot back, "That's more than you ever did for it." Perfect!

Mannix vs. Literacy: Mannix Wins!

2012-01-28T20:34:00.000-08:00

Hey! Remember when I told you about MANNIX and you didn't know what it was? Well, it was an old TV show, stupid. And one of these here channels we have was showing a marathon of MANNIX. I didn't even know it! I found out too late. Dr. Theresa happened to be watching MANNIX while we got dolled up to go to a benefit for literacy. LITERACY? Ha! Forget literacy and give me MANNIX. Right before we left Mannix was riding in a jeep down a dirt road and shooting at an airplane with a pistol and he winged the pilot who was wearing a black turtleneck and sunglasses and down came the airplane but then we had to go support "literacy" so I don't know what happened.

An American Lawyer's Ex-Wife

2012-01-28T08:59:00.000-08:00

Hey, you know those capsule descriptions by which your satellite or cable provider gives you a summary of a particular program via the click of a button? Well, Dr. Theresa saw a weird one the other night, describing a movie on TCM: "An American lawyer's ex-wife summons him to Kenya to see their daughter's savage link to a lion." That is weird! But why is it so weird? Maybe partly because the parts that are specific ("An American lawyer's ex-wife") seem unnecessary, and the parts that are vague ("to see"?) need to be more specific, and yet no curiosity is generated, no, nothing but a mild sense of anxiety is generated, that's all, I feel mildly anxious, don't you?

Solemn Velvet Policy

2012-01-28T08:17:00.000-08:00

As you know, it is the "blog's" policy to alert you at once when we run across someone wearing a velvet suit, or a mention of someone wearing a velvet suit. Get over to Maud Newton's "blog" at once, then, and read about Betrand Russell as "a solemn little boy in a blue velvet suit with an equally solemn governess." Recall also the young Charles Schulz, similarly solemn, sitting "on the grass of a St. Paul park, in velvet suit and Eton collar, earnestly posed under a lacquered Oriental parasol."

Help Me With These Jars

2012-01-26T15:57:00.001-08:00

"The Wizard comes to the Parapet to contemplate. He looks down into the Pit of Night." What's this? More of my sprawling fantasy epic? Good guess, but nope! It's from DR. SAX by Jack Kerouac. Oh, Jack Kerouac! Once more you beat me at my own game. FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE! He even put talking cats in it, the way I did in one chapter of my sprawling fantasy epic! "'Oooh-Ah-man!' I heard a whisper from the cat. It was a Talking Cat? Doctor Sax said 'Yes it was a talking cat once I suppose. Help me with these jars.'" BUT! The new chapter of my sprawling fantasy epic IS up at the VICE magazine "web" site RIGHT NOW and THERE IS NOTHING JACK KEROUAC CAN DO ABOUT IT. "Click" here to enjoy sentences such as "From the waistband of her crinoline tutu she stealthily removed her letter opener of death." (That murder weapon is a tribute to QUEENPIN by Megan Abbott! I don't think that is a spoiler, because as soon as that letter opener appears in QUEENPIN you are like, "Uh, somebody is going to get murdered with that.")

Slouch Hat

2012-01-26T06:19:00.001-08:00

If the autobiographical sections of his novel DR. SAX are to be believed, Jack Kerouac dressed up as The Shadow when he was a kid - just like I did! "At night I came in my cape and slouch hat... I glided to Dicky's house, stole his bathing trunks from the porch..."

Potting Racketeers

2012-01-25T09:30:00.001-08:00

Jack Kerouac was highly influenced by The Shadow - oh, Jack Kerouac, we are just alike. In his DR. SAX, Kerouac recalls "when The Shadow in one of his Lamont Cranston masterpieces published by Street & Smith visited the shores of the Mississippi and blew up a personal rubber boat of his own which however was not perfected like the new one concealed in his hat, he'd bought it in St. Louis during the day with one of his agents and it made a bulky package under his arm as they cabbed for the evening scene along the water glancing anxiously at their watches for when to turn into Shadows - I was amazed that The Shadow should travel so much, he had such an easy time potting racketeers in New York Chinatown Waterfront with his blue .45..."

Elizabeth Report

2012-01-25T07:04:00.001-08:00

Elizabeth went to see B.B. King play a show the other night and files this report: "He walked out onstage and began throwing things from his pockets into the audience. I think it was candy? [Editor's note: B.B. King makes commercials about being diabetic. Perhaps he was tossing guitar picks.] Mostly he talked and told awesome stories that I guess didn't really finish off. One began, 'Now I will tell you a ghost joke.' 'The dentist was having fun pulling out my molars.' 'I got married; I forgot it was WWII!' 'I went to training; I forgot I was married!' Then he auctioned off the men in his band to the ladies in the audience. 'You want the fat one? The one wearing the glasses? My nephew?'"

More Cheery Ghost

2012-01-24T14:38:00.001-08:00

Read a little bit of DR. SAX by Jack Kerouac and there are already ghosts by the second page. I told you he had a thing about ghosts! "That same night an elfin, more cheery ghost of some Santa Claus kind rushed up and slammed my door."

Repeated Zsa Zsa

2012-01-23T17:59:00.000-08:00

Speaking of Kerouac and cats, now I want to read his BOOK OF DREAMS, in which (says this bio) "cats that speak... people giving birth to cats... Mel Torme, Zsa Zsa Gabor... all make repeated appearances."

Rock and Roll Ghost Problem

2012-01-23T17:36:00.000-08:00

Checked out this bio of Jack Kerouac from the library. It's by a guy named Paul Maher Jr. Says Kerouac contacted his agent right before ON THE ROAD came out. Kerouac had thought of a better title! He said they could make a lot more money if they called it ROCK AND ROLL ROAD. Ha ha ha! He wasn't kidding. All right! Jack Kerouac, you're all right. He also had a problem with ghosts. Like one Halloween some ghosts scared his cat and he stood in the yard holding the cat and yelling at the ghosts. I mean, like, real ghosts, not kids in costumes. "I look around, I see ghosts everywhere. I have to do the sign of the cross." The house had "a poltergeist in the dining room cupboard," he said. When he was a kid he lived in a former funeral home. He told his friend Neal Cassady (Dean Moriarty) "My mother opened a closet door, something white flew at her, she screamed, and the thing whapped her on the head with terrible vehemence." They thought it was a ghost. But it was an ironing board.

Herky-Jerky Puppet Man

2012-01-23T12:09:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm... I've made it through more of the clip and I am going to have to go with "herky-jerky puppet man." Yes, I'm sticking with that. Oh, herky-jerky puppet man! You are so full of surprises.

Mime Reconsidered

2012-01-23T11:54:00.001-08:00

Wait! Can he really be a mime when he starts singing at 1:14? I am going to say that he is more of a "robot man."

Mime to the Rescue

2012-01-23T11:49:00.001-08:00

I haven't been "blogging" much lately because I have "blogged" about everything and there is nothing left to "blog" about. OR SO I THOUGHT. Then my friend Scott sent me this clip ("click" here) of a rock band featuring a mime on the Jerry Lewis telethon. Scott says he got it from WFMU, natch!

Something to Do in New York City

2012-01-21T04:57:00.000-08:00

Do you live in New York City? Probably not! Because why would you be reading this "blog"? You could be out doing something! Like eating Alaskan black cod in a parking garage with John McEnroe! Or standing on a guy who aspires to be a human carpet. OR you could be going to the KGB Bar TONIGHT ONLY to see "Blog" Buddy Michael Bible reading from his work. Do it! Maybe the carpet guy will show up. But you'll forget all about him as you thrill to the mesmerizing words of Michael Bible. Meanwhile, Tim Pawlenty and Vanilla Ice are coming right up on Fox & Friends so I really have to go.

A Good Name for Wine

2012-01-17T09:27:00.001-08:00

Someone just found this "blog" by searching for "frowning garfunkel." If I were a winemaker I would call my signature red table wine "Frowning Garfunkel."

History of Wind

2012-01-17T08:26:00.000-08:00

Here's a casually tossed-off bit from the introduction to NATIVE AMERICAN FOOD PLANTS: AN ETHNOBOTANICAL DICTIONARY: "People have died from eating apple pits; 'poisoned apple' is redundant." WHAT? I think I've heard something like that before but I didn't pay attention. Anyway, watch out! Here is a funny use of an exclamation point in the introduction: "in a number of cases it is reported that the berries were eaten raw!" Leafing through the book I learned how the Rappahannock made beer from persimmons and that there is a plant called owlsclaws: "Roots used as a chewing gum." A panel from a Donald Duck comic I was reading last night showed Donald reading a book called HISTORY OF WIND. Here's the very panel, though the title is left out - probably because it's from that Danish Carl Barks site. Speaking of which, I also read in the introduction to my Donald Duck book about how Barks was tormented in his 90s by the "Carl Barks Studio" which was really just "a couple who was hired to take care of Barks in his twilight years" but instead they treated him like dirt and forced him to constantly draw new pictures of Donald Duck for them to sell - like a sweatshop! I'm sorry I told you about that. Sometimes life has sad parts. He got away from them when he was 97 and met some nicer people and lived a couple more years and was happy so okay.

Facebook

2012-01-15T13:40:00.001-08:00

I was reading in ON THE ROAD how Sal Paradise met a hobo named Mississippi Gene and asked him if he happened to know this other hobo named Big Slim Hazard and of course he did and I was like, "Hmm, hobos were the original facebook."

Thanks, Dean Martin!

2012-01-15T13:21:00.000-08:00

Drew is married to Jill. Several months ago, Drew purchased a vintage bottle of Dean Martin's favorite cologne on the "internet." Now Jill is going to have a baby. YOU DO THE MATH. I keep trying to smell Drew whenever I see him but he claims that the cologne "evaporates quickly because it has orange in it." I think that's what he says. Is that a real scientific fact? Maybe he just doesn't want me sniffing him.

The Sweet Generation

2012-01-14T18:41:00.001-08:00

I told you about all the ice cream and pie in ON THE ROAD. Now I'm rereading it. I forgot that by the SECOND PARAGRAPH we have "beautiful big glazed cakes and creampuffs."

Go, Ethnobotanical Guy!

2012-01-13T20:25:00.000-08:00

So I DID go back to Square Books and buy that "Ethnobotanical Dictionary" of "Native American Food Plants." In the author photo the guy looks really smug with his arms crossed. Like, "Yeah, that's right!" Like, "Yeah, I compiled this list of Native American food plants. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?" But you know what? He deserves to be proud! It doesn't even make me mad.

I Want a Henchman

2012-01-11T07:54:00.001-08:00

Watching OUT OF THE PAST and MILLER'S CROSSING for a class I am teaching right now has really made me want a henchman. Henchmen are the best! Speaking of henchmen, one of Mitt Romney's sons (I guess) looks exactly like Martin Landau as James Mason's henchman Leonard in NORTH BY NORTHWEST. Check out this photo in the New York Times if you do not believe me! Am I crazy or do "Leonard" and the guy next to him both appear to be clapping sarcastically?

I Do Whatever I Want

2012-01-10T09:43:00.000-08:00

George Burns saves Brooke Shields from a "drug pusher." So says the capsule description of a movie about to come on TCM in just a few minutes. Yes I'm going to dvr it. Shut up.

Why McNeil Called

2012-01-07T13:32:00.001-08:00

McNeil called to do his impersonation of Paul Lynde in BYE BYE BIRDIE, and that is why McNeil called.

Illinois Cat Salute

2012-01-07T08:51:00.000-08:00

A while back these nice kids from Illinois came through town with a microphone to "record writers." It was when John Brandon was still here, as I know because they recorded us together. BRANDON! Why did you have to go? Well, these kids went all over the place and have their "web" site up now and it is called "The Knox Writers' House." You can have fun "clicking" around on it and please do. One neat thing is that the writers were asked to read from other people's work as well as their own, so it's interesting to see what they picked. I read a chapter of RAY by Barry Hannah and Christopher Smart's salute to his cat. Each writer is represented by a crazy caricature. Mine is wearing a bow tie and holding a glass of wine. I have really walked around in a costume like that once, and I know just the photo they scrounged up off the "internet" as raw material. It was a party at a mansion! All night long as I sipped my wine something kept bobbing against my lip and I thought it was a little piece of cork. But as the evening came to a close, I learned the truth. It was a DEAD FLY! Think about it.

Yeah, I Don't Care Either

2012-01-05T15:49:00.000-08:00

Sprawling fantasy epic SPOILER ALERT! I am afraid the rumors are true. In the newest chapter, a beloved character DIES!

Shut Up Old Man

2012-01-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

I saw over on the facebook there that A Cappella Books is moving out of our old neighborhood and to a new location. Citizens of Atlanta! Go support it. I used to walk up there almost every day and get my cup of coffee from Aurora and poke around the bookstore and maybe Criminal Records (which isn't there anymore either). Ugh! I know you're bored! I'm boring myself. I'm going to be the kind of old man who visits the old neighborhood and looks around all disappointed in the world and says, "That's where such-and-such used to be." Like, "I remember one day I was walking here and I saw a white rat with no head." Like, "That's where I saw Bruce Springsteen stocking up on pricey art books. Why, I was close enough to touch his bald spot!" And whatever young punk I'm with will say, "Who's Bruce Springsteen?" It's no more than I deserve.

Chunk!

2012-01-03T14:35:00.001-08:00

Got my new issue of the BELIEVER magazine in the mail today. It smells weird! Like the ink smells really strong. I feel woozy! But the contents look good. It seems "Blog" Buddy Amanda Stern has interviewed Laurie Anderson (pictured), so that is exciting. And you know how Nick Hornby always tells you about which books he has read recently? This time he has read TWO books by "Blog" Buddy Megan Abbott. He finds her work "psychologically subtle, gripping, and brave." True! My column is in there as usual. You can read a chunk of it on the "web" site - just a chunk! I read the chunk of my column that appears on the "web" site and thought, you know, it works as a chunk. Maybe a chunk is plenty. Chunk!

Don't Be All Ha Ha Ha

2012-01-02T17:43:00.000-08:00

I shouldn't have been so ha ha ha about BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS. I see that tonight - IN THE PRESENT! - ABC is airing something called CELEBRITY WIFE SWAP, starring Carnie Wilson (!) and Tracey Gold from the sitcom GROWING PAINS (!!). So shut up, everybody. And by everybody I mean myself. And everybody.

How Last Year Will Be Remembered

2012-01-02T07:25:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I read the first few words of a New York Times article and think, "I'm not sure that's true." Like today: "Last year will be remembered as the moment when dance music slithered across the Atlantic."

Swirling Golden Vortex

2012-01-01T17:03:00.001-08:00

At the end of one of the episodes of BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS, the camera pushes through fog to find Jimmie "J.J." Walker at the wheel of his yacht. He says, "May the force of the Eye always be with you" (I think) then turns into a golden swirling (eye-shaped?) vortex that vanishes into outer space. STAR WARS music starts playing. The CBS logo is an eye, which doesn't explain much.

A Very Pleasant and Fragrant Odor

2011-12-30T15:06:00.000-08:00

Hi! Remember when I told you about the saintly Padre Pio and his mystically good smell? Well add THIS to your holy smell file (I know you have one!): I just read in SABBATAI SEVI: THE MYSTICAL MESSIAH by Gershom Scholem that "after 1648 a very pleasant and fragrant odor exuded from Sabbatai's body... The matter caused some gossip, and people found fault with the use of perfumes by a rabbi. Finally a Smyrna physician, Dr. Baruch, reproved Sabbatai, who thereupon took him home and stripped himself so the physician could smell the odor. Sabbatai then told him of the vision of the patriarchs, who had anointed him with oil, and commanded him not to reveal this mystery to anyone until the proper time." (See also.)

This Really Happened

2011-12-30T10:16:00.000-08:00

Ace Atkins came over last night to watch his bootleg of BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS. Don't judge him! A man has to find pleasure wherever he can in this horrible world. BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS was a TV show in the 70s. Network stars battled each other on it! ("Click" here to be reminded once again what we thought of as entertainment back then. You'll be surprised, kids!) We watched two episodes, lasting an hour and a half apiece. They were intense! Host Howard Cossell prodded his celebrity guests with searing psychological interviews! I'm not kidding. Cheryl Ladd, in an electric blue terry cloth sweatband, spoke with shocking bitterness about how glad she was to get out of Utah and how everybody who told her she could never make it sure was sorry now! Michelle Phillips from the band The Mamas and the Papas (and apparently a TV show called ASPEN [?]) injured her ankle on the obstacle course yet still made an admirable showing in the relay race ("She didn't even feel it," commented Ace, going on to make a wry observation about the recreational drug use in vogue at the time. DON'T DO DRUGS!). Michelle Phillips's show of determination caused Dan Haggerty from the show GRIZZLY ADAMS to come over and PUT HIS HANDS ALL OVER HER in a very creepy manner by way of congratulations. (GRIZZLY ADAMS was a show about a big hairy mountain man with a grizzly bear friend. Dr. Theresa recalled a schoolyard legend about his beard catching fire with tragic results, and I remembered it too. But I couldn't remember what Grizzly Adams and his friend the bear did on their show every week. "Solved crimes?" I said. Angela [Ace's bride - I hesitated to incriminate her by mentioning her involvement] disagreed: "There were orphans involved," she insisted.) Finally Howard Cossell had just about enough of watching Michelle Phillips trying to writhe out of Dan Haggerty's inappropriate grasp. "If you don't get your hands off her, I'll break your arms," he said. He really said that! Afterward, Dan Haggerty's penchant for groping became noticeable, though it often happened in the background. We all felt bad for Ben Murphy, star of television's GEMINI MAN, because none of us had ever heard of Ben Murphy or television's GEMINI MAN. Ace asked whether I had a copy of THE COMPLETE DIRECTORY TO PRIME TIME NETWORK TV SHOWS 1946-PRESENT by Tim Brooks and Earle Marsh. I was so happy to be able to say yes! I raced to the bedroom to retrieve it. But by the time I got back Angela HAD ALREADY TOLD EVERYBODY EVERYTHING ABOUT GEMINI MAN thanks to her fancy electronic iPhone. That's one for you, technology, curse you! GEMINI MAN lasted barely a month on the air, which explains why Ben Murphy was on episode one of BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS and not on episode two of BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS. Telly Savalas accused Ben Murphy of cheating in the relay race. As the evening concluded we all imagined Ben Murphy sitting somewhere in a bar at THAT VERY MOMENT saying "I used to be the Gemini Man!"

Still Draggin'

2011-12-29T12:56:00.000-08:00

"Such are the deeds of men, forgotten like the coiled horgabulons of yore." The fourth chapter of my sprawling fantasy epic THE DRAGON'S HUMP is up for your "pleasure" at VICE magazine. SPOILER ALERT! Cats dressed in adorable outfits walk on their hind legs! I'm pretty sure that's standard content for VICE magazine. CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

A Bath of Chocolate

2011-12-29T08:33:00.000-08:00

"Mr. Gingrich and his wife, Callista, made their way to the kitchen and received a lesson in hand-dipping cookies into a bath of chocolate."

Profiles in Courage

2011-12-29T08:13:00.000-08:00

This sentence I read in the New York Times today is funny out of context: "'I have the courage to come to the chocolate factory,' Mr. Gingrich told a packed crowd." It's also kind of funny in context. (See also.)

Chimp Psychic

2011-12-29T01:49:00.000-08:00

Even though I don't care about "facts," I guess I am obligated to tell you that some scientists are saying NO WAY was that deceased chimp I told you about yesterday really Cheetah from the Tarzan movies. "Click" here for an article about it since you care so much. The article has some hilariously defensive quotations from the experts, like, "I'm not a chimp psychic" and "All chimps basically look like George Burns to me."

All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up

2011-12-28T11:17:00.000-08:00

Welcome once more to "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up," your one place on the "internet" for all the celebrity entertainment stars. THIS JUST IN! According to Ben Greenman's twitter account, Cheetah the Chimp from the Tarzan movies is DEAD at age 80. I really thought that our celebrity correspondent Mr. Ward had worked with Cheetah in the past, so I emailed him right away for comment. His disappointing response: "Sadly I never did get to meet Cheetah. Maybe you're thinking of the time I did a shoot with Flipper's daughter." On the plus side, maybe we'll get some juicy tidbits about Flipper's daughter soon! Or, if you will settle for a story about the time Mr. Ward and I worked with a lesser-known chimp, "click" here. MORE ENTERTAINMENT NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF THE CELEBRITY STARS! Another thing Ben Greenman does with his twitter account is collect and critique newspaper headlines. A recent favorite of mine: "Jim Belushi Champions Gout Treatment." That's it for this edition of "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up" - until next time, keep reaching for those stars!

Word Report

2011-12-27T20:11:00.000-08:00

In EL DORADO, which we watched the other night, John Wayne uses the word "charivari" (variant spelling "shivaree"), a word I don't think has occurred to me since almost five years ago, as I'm sure you recall, when I encountered it in a Dostoevsky translation. Pretty fancy company, Duke! Words! I learned a new word from SABBATAI SEVI: THE MYSTICAL MESSIAH by Gershom Scholem: chiliastic. It DOES NOT have anything to do with especially delicious chili, as I originally assumed. Also in SABBATAI SEVI we meet "Nathan Shapira, chief rabbi of Cracow (died 1633)" (who, as a helpful footnote informs me, is "Not to be confused with the kabbalist Nathan Shapira of Jerusalem, who also lived in Cracow") - he once "presented one thousand explanations of the letter aleph in the first word of Leviticus." A thousand explanations of the LETTER, not the word! You might just say that Nathan Shapira of Cracow was the original "blogger," but don't. Don't say that. I found this bit of the book comforting somehow: "In a world of homiletical and allegorical interpretations there are no incompatibilities and contradictions. According to an old rabbinic adage, 'Scripture has seventy faces.'" Words! Our friends Chris Offutt and Melissa Ginsburg were over a few weeks ago and we were all speculating about the relationship of the phrase "in lieu of" to the word lieutenant. Then I remembered! When my mom visited for Thanksgiving, she brought me this enormous old dictionary I used to love. It's the WEBSTER'S NEW TWENTIETH CENTURY DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, UNABRIDGED, SECOND EDITION, from 1974. I spent a lot of time with that dictionary. I read it so much that the covers came off and my grandmother rebound it with the same contact paper she used to line the kitchen drawers. The dictionary proved very helpful to our discussion and the contact paper is still holding everything together! When I was looking up "lieu" and "lieutenant," I flipped to a page on which one of the "guide words" at the top was lipostomosis. I didn't even have to glance at the definition. How well I recalled it from the times it terrified me as an impressionable child thumbing through the enormous dictionary. I was fascinated by that word. It means "absence of a mouth." It occurs to me all of a sudden that we also ran across "mimp" in the old dictionary that night: "an affected puckering of the mouth or lips." So those are your words for the day: charivari, chiliastic, lipostomosis, mimp. Chris Offutt demonstrated his impressions of both lipostomosis and mimp. A better title for this "post" might have been "An Affected Puckering." Or maybe that's my NEXT next novel, the sequel to "A Fresh Rupture." Words! Goodbye from words.

Movie Report

2011-12-27T09:10:00.001-08:00

"You can do it, clammy Mitchum!" Dr. Theresa shouted encouragingly at the screen during a viewing of EL DORADO. Robert Mitchum is very clammy during much of the latter part of the film (see photo). Later he cleans up and puts on a fresh outfit, though not to great effect according to Dr. Theresa: "He looks like a Russian dancer!" I had always vaguely and dismissively thought of EL DORADO as a pale imitation of RIO BRAVO. But drawn in by Dr. Theresa's commitment ("He put that horse in reverse!" she remarked approvingly of John Wayne's equestrian skills) I found out it was good. EL DORADO was good. We particularly liked the philosophical hired killer played by Christopher George. Don't know much about him. According to the "internet" he subsequently appeared in a movie called THE DAY SANTA CLAUS CRIED, which seems unfortunate.

Book Report

2011-12-26T12:48:00.000-08:00

On Christmas Eve I was sitting in a chair at Square Books leafing through a $50 hardcover bio of Mahler which I DID NOT BUY. I read about Mahler and his wife Alma visiting a New York City opium den as a lark, in the company of a "detective with a loaded revolver"! Then I looked at an "Ethnobotanical Dictionary" of "Native American Food Plants" which I also RESISTED BUYING. BECAUSE I HAD NO MONEY. I noticed that my famous recommendation shelf had sold its 39th volume: ANGELA SLOAN by James Whorton, Jr.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 25, 2011

2011-12-25T11:23:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well. Looks like it's that time again. If you have not been keeping up with the "blog" advent calendar, here's what we've had so far. 1. Silkworm information. 2. Scientifically accurate fabric brain art. 3. Singing impressionist for hire. 4. Bumper car brochure. 5. Well, it was supposed to be a frog lying in a martini glass. 6. Donny Osmond collector plate. 7. Pictures of Clara Schumann. 8. Snoopy and Woodstock wind-up toys. 9. The Ruby Stain Museum. 10. Underwood Deviled Ham logo. 11. Recipe for Melba toast. 12. Salutations of Courtesy: When a Gentleman Takes Off His Hat. 13. "Tunnels and Secret Passages" 14. "Wedding Bells Are Breaking Up That Old Gang of Mine" 15. The "Sugarbaker House" from the television smash hit DESIGNING WOMEN. 16. Cowboy Lasso.com 17. A complicated diagram. 18. Hobby of Jack Kerouac's boyhood. 19. "Wake Up Your Liver Bile" 20. Something called "Mr. Blobby - Christmas in Blobbyland" 21. A souvenir horseshoe with the name Fred welded to it. 22. Joke shop. 23. "A Map of the Tongue" 24. Heckelphone information. All right! Now all I need to do is find you one last seasonal surprise... and here it is.

Patently McNeil

2011-12-24T08:42:00.000-08:00

McNeil sent this patent application for "A method to create a human robot with psychic abilities, as well as enabling a human robot to access information in a time machine." I almost saved it for tomorrow's climactic "blog" advent calendar revelation, but my typing fingers got itchy. Also courtesy of McNeil, here is the patent for instant oatmeal. (Panel from the "Silver Age Comics" "blog" as usual.)

A Yuletide Reflection

2011-12-24T07:45:00.001-08:00

It behooves us upon this reflective time of year to recall the Justine Bateman rock-and-roll movie SATISFACTION. Justine Bateman was the star! Julia Roberts was naught but the piddling sidekick of a sidekick. Oh, life. Truly your ways are most wondrous. Liam Neeson was the leading man who fell in love with Justine Bateman. His dog made comical expressions whenever something comical happened! Like, "Wuh-woh!" Such is the thought that the dog's expression conveyed. If you had to guess the "breakout star," you would not say Julia Roberts. You would say Britta Phillips. She got all the wisecracks. I guess she went on to do the voice of Jem in the cartoon program JEM, so don't you worry about Britta Phillips. Wikipedia tells me that she was in an Atlanta band during our time there, the name of which I recall from many a flyer, so maybe Dr. Theresa and I saw her play. Yet we never knew! WE NEVER KNEW! I have certainly given you a lot to think about during this holiday season.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 24, 2011

2011-12-24T07:09:00.001-08:00

Here.

Marshmallow Field

2011-12-23T15:14:00.000-08:00

Lee Durkee sends me some guy's UFO footage, but what he really likes is the narration. It's easy to see why! ("Click" here.) Dig the super mellow tone when the guy says the UFO is "south of Marshmallow Field... back of the cemetery." He calmly suggests that skeptics can "go eat fish." That's the most anger he can muster in his super mellow way! Lee found the guy's "blog," too, and sent a "link," but I can't "link" to it... not JUST because it might be from that part of the "internet" from which no one ever returns. Also, whenever I "click" on it, my computer grinds to a halt. Maybe it's just me! But I'm trying to save you the trouble. His design choice is this: dark purple font over a black background. Hard to read! But Lee says he "blogs" about his buddy, an alien space commander who happens to look like a sultry Swedish actress. All right!

Bird Trouble

2011-12-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

My sister will be horrified to learn that pigeons can do math! They can do math at monkey levels! Which is more than I can say for myself. The other day I read on Maud Newton's "blog" that parrots understand the concept of zero. I'm telling you, something sinister is going on. In fact, looking back at that Maud Newton piece, not only do crows develop grudges against specific people, THEY TELL ALL THEIR CROW FRIENDS. Like, "This guy's a jerk. Let's get him!" Now put that together with pigeon math! This is science, people! For more on the pigeon monkey math story, "click" here. IF YOU DARE! PS I see that gawker has already reported on this (the pigeon part), using much the same tone and including the same "monkeys are better than I am at doing math" joke. But I wasn't copying them! As you know, my fear of birds taking over the world goes back for years.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 23, 2011

2011-12-23T08:20:00.001-08:00

Your daily surprise.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 22, 2011

2011-12-22T07:13:00.001-08:00

Here you go!

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 21, 2011

2011-12-21T08:34:00.001-08:00

What could it be?

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 20, 2011

2011-12-20T09:02:00.001-08:00

What you get for today.

Goober's Light

2011-12-20T08:10:00.001-08:00

I just remembered something about Goober. I read in his autobiography that he always travels with his own light bulb, because the light in hotel rooms is too dim. Minnie Pearl gave him that tip. I think I'm remembering all this correctly. If I'm not, who cares?

All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up

2011-12-20T07:12:00.000-08:00

Welcome once again to "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up," your ONE spot on the "internet" for all the latest news of the entertainment celebrity stars. The stars were out in full force last night: Billy Barty! Goober! Slim Pickens! "Ma" from THE GRAPES OF WRATH! William "Blacula" Marshall! Mr. Haney from GREEN ACRES! Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane from THE DUKES OF HAZZARD! What could bring together this luminous constellation for one spectacular evening? Why, a fascinating and disturbing episode of the old TV show THE ALFRED HITCHCOCK HOUR that Dr. Theresa and I watched, of course. It came on one of the Encore channels. They must cater to a peculiar demographic. Blacula has a long speech about the origins of humanity while Mr. Haney sinks in quicksand! Goober delivers a harrowing, tormented monologue, one long take in close-up. Harrowing Goober! I will not hesitate to say that it was Goober's finest moment. I have probably told you this before, but Mr. Ward was once tasked with driving Goober around in a car, never mind why. And Goober kept complaining that he was trained to perform Shakespeare but nobody cared. That's it for this edition of "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up." Until next time... keep reaching for the stars!

Vanishing Gin Frog

2011-12-19T17:35:00.001-08:00

I am very upset that my "blog" advent calendar entry for December 5 has DISAPPEARED! It was a novelty apron featuring a frog reclining in a martini glass, of course. Looked like some kind of beadwork, maybe. But now if you "click" on it, it is BLANK! I don't want you to think I was trying to be "postmodern" or something. I'm not "into" blank advent calendars. CHRISTMAS IS RUINED!

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 19, 2011

2011-12-19T08:40:00.001-08:00

Might be anything.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 18, 2011

2011-12-18T04:56:00.001-08:00

Here.

Caught in the Foothills

2011-12-17T19:15:00.001-08:00

My favorite quotation in that Jerry Lewis documentary came from Richard Belzer: "Some people get caught in the foothills of him but you really have to scale the peaks."

50 Ways to Love Your Lewis

2011-12-17T11:45:00.000-08:00

Maybe you want to love Jerry but you don't know how! I have decided to help out the Encore movie channel by supplementing its day-long Jerry marathon and tonight's Jerry Lewis documentary with 50 "blog" "links" suited to various interests. Remember, these are JUST THE FIRST 50 WAYS TO LOVE JERRY OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. They MAY NOT ALL BE RIGHT FOR YOU. Please feel free to browse among them, "clicking" away on your exciting search for YOUR OWN PERSONAL PATHWAY TO JERRY. 1. Read the great Jerry monograph by Chris Fujiwara. 2. Do you like Philip K. Dick? Well, Jerry Lewis appears in his EXEGESIS - which is ONLY HIS ECSTATIC VISION OF THE MEANING OF THE WHOLE UNIVERSE! THAT'S ALL! 3. Speaking of authors, do you like authors? Maybe one of your fave authors has included Jerry Lewis in a book: Tom Franklin has! So have Don DeLillo, Lynda Barry, Lorrie Moore, Frederick Barthelme and many others! Classy! 4. Let's keep going with this author thing. How is Edgar Allan Poe like Jerry Lewis? "Click" here to find out! 5. Yeah, and what would Kierkegaard say about Jerry Lewis? 6. Maybe you are from the "dance world." Did you know that many highbrow choreographers turn to Jerry Lewis for inspiration? 7. Jerry thought Dean Martin smelled great! That's a nice detail. 8. Similarities between Jerry and the great Italian giallo director Mario Bava, if that's your thing. 9. A trusted method of immersing yourself in Jerryness. 10. Don't believe me? Take it from bestselling novelist Laura Lippman! 11. Don't believe Laura Lippman? Perhaps famed method actor Edward Norton is more to your taste. 12. Consider Jerry Lewis as the forefather of David Lynch. 13. Jonathan Rosenbaum knows a lot about movies and he LOVES Jerry Lewis! 14. Tough-to-please James Wolcott likewise! 15. When I was listing authors who have included Jerry in their work I forgot John Hodgman. 16. And Michael Kupperman! 17. For that matter, Jerry is in my novella JUNGLE GERONIMO IN GAY PAREE. 18. Jerry a hero to Michael Palin of the Monty Python comedy troupe. 19. Jerry an inspiration for the British version of THE OFFICE that everyone loves so much. 20. Jerry makes me think of the French painter Henri Rosseau. 21. McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy. 22. Do you like Godard? Well, Godard based some of his scenes on Jerry Lewis scenes. Like this and that. 23. Some maintain that 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY would have been better with Jerry in it. 24. Jerry's spectacular use of color. 25. How about that prescient scene in THE BELLBOY that anticipates Scorsese's THE KING OF COMEDY? 26. The Cinderfella dance! 27. Jerry frequently appears in THE BELIEVER magazine. 28. I intuit a connection between Jerry and J.D. Salinger. 29. And supposedly Salinger considered Jerry to direct the movie version of CATCHER IN THE RYE, maybe! I said maybe! 30. Jerry's influence on GOODFELLAS. You like GOODFELLAS! 31. Jon Stewart of the popular DAILY SHOW often does Jerry Lewis impressions, but if he is too hep for your taste, crusty David Letterman also impersonates Jerry from time to time. 32. Speaking of which, maybe you should watch lots of Jerry Lewis so you can practice the fun habit of saying things like Jerry Lewis. It's fun! 33. Even nature itself aspires to sound like Jerry Lewis. 34. Do you like singing? Jerry Lewis is a good singer! I guess he can do it all. 35. Maybe you identify with Jerry's world-weary attitude. 36. He hung out in a diner with Marilyn Monroe, so that's cool! 37. Blair Hobbs detects an aesthetic kinship between Jerry and the photographer William Eggleston. 38. Jerry inspired Bruce Springsteen. That's right, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN! 39. Think of Jerry as a poet. 40. Need a dissertation topic? How about "Medical Ethics in the Films of Jerry Lewis"? You're welcome! 41. In a hilarious practical joke, Jerry ruined Dick van Dyke's meeting with the queen! 42. Jerry was instrumental in getting the great Stan Laurel his honorary Oscar. 43. Jerry is handsome! 44. Maybe you are a "conspiracy theory buff." Well, for real the CIA tampered with one of Jerry's movies. Brood on that for a while! 45. Maybe you're an animal lover. Well, Jerry bought a hearing aid for his dog! 46. Jerry is subversive! 47. Quentin Tarantino + Jerry Lewis = True Love 4ever. 48. When everybody was dumping on Arthur Penn's BONNIE AND CLYDE, Jerry was one of the first to proclaim its greatness. 49. Does he irritate you and make you uncomfortable? MAYBE THAT'S JUST WHAT JERRY WANTS! 50. For example, he once stuck his nose in Frank Sinatra's eye.

Fave Clown Flavor

2011-12-17T08:43:00.001-08:00

Both Ace Atkins and Brian Z. have kindly written to remind me about the BIG NEW JERRY LEWIS DOCUMENTARY coming on the Encore movie channel TONIGHT. PLUS THEY ARE RUNNING JERRY MOVIES ALL DAY. Time for your immersion therapy! Brian Z. included this "link" to a NEW YORKER article about Jerry, which says that the documentary "unfolds the pathos of the comic performer, which emerges from his ability (and need) to plumb depths of his being that would remain closed to him but for the chaos of comedy." Wow! That's deep! And it has sad clown all over it, my favorite clown flavor.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 17, 2011

2011-12-17T08:14:00.001-08:00

Today's treat.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 16, 2011

2011-12-16T07:46:00.000-08:00

Here we are again.

Grog Quaffing

2011-12-15T09:41:00.001-08:00

"The handsome brigand quaffed his grog from a tankard of marvelous heft." Chapter Two of my sprawling fantasy epic is "up." Oh, it's really starting to sprawl. Mark Childress claims it sprawled all over his floor.

Pillow Vigilante

2011-12-15T08:48:00.000-08:00

I never get tired of telling you about my trouble sleeping. Ironically! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wait, is that ironic? Who cares? So last night I watched some of the pillow infomercial again. This time a guy from the studio audience got up and told the pillow genius, "I met you at the State Fair last year." And the pillow guy was like, "I remember." And the studio audience member said, "I didn't even know I was looking for a pillow. You saw me and said, 'I need to talk to you.'" There are so many things I love about this story! The hero of the pillow commercial is some kind of pillow evangelist, going around the country with a van full of pillows or something, helping people in need! Plus he has the super power of magically telling WHO NEEDS A PILLOW! Then I switched over to an informercial in which a guy was trying to sell me a public domain book from 1925. So that's crazy! It's all about the secret of getting rich, which explains why everyone since 1925 has been rich and nothing bad happened economically EXCEPT THE GREAT DEPRESSION FOR STARTERS. The book was written by somebody named Napoleon Hill (!), but "The Napoleon Hill Society" says that this scamming TV dude's version of the book is nothing but a BIG RIP-OFF. PS One of the secrets of getting rich is having "A Pleasing Personality." I should try that! PPS I see on the twitter that Kelly Hogan had insomnia last night, too. She watched TURNER & HOOCH.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 15, 2011

2011-12-15T07:49:00.001-08:00

Every day a new surprise here at the "blog" advent calendar. Today's surprise was inspired by Dent May. To find out what it is, "click" here.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 14, 2011

2011-12-14T05:33:00.000-08:00

Open it up!

Sapphire People

2011-12-13T09:06:00.000-08:00

Last night when I couldn't sleep I turned on the Gem Shopping Network, but my favorite Gem Shopping Network personality Tracey was not there. It was some guy who was the opposite of Tracey, YELLING at and BERATING the home audience. When I flipped to the channel, he was yelling "SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON ALL OF YOU!" because no one would call in to bid on this sapphire he really liked. He yelled "THIS SAPPHIRE IS NUTS! THIS SAPPHIRE IS NUTS!" And then he swore that if no one bid on it, he would punish us all by never selling us another sapphire again no matter how much we begged him. Finally it was time to stop selling the sapphire and he put it away, saying in a voice dripping with disgust, "Obviously, we don't have any sapphire people watching."

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 13, 2011

2011-12-13T06:36:00.001-08:00

Here.

I Like Sentences

2011-12-12T12:27:00.001-08:00

Here is a sentence I like from Gershom Scholem: "Symbols express in human speech that which is properly inexpressible."

We Report, You Decide!

2011-12-12T12:09:00.001-08:00

In SABBATAI SEVI: THE MYSTICAL MESSIAH, Gershom Scholem writes that "the ouroboros, the circular serpent biting its own tail... is one of the best-known symbols of the unity and eternal renewal of life," but in THAT IS ALL, John Hodgman says it is "just a picture of a really dumb snake."

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 12, 2011

2011-12-12T06:28:00.001-08:00

It might be anything!

Mumps Monkey

2011-12-11T08:58:00.001-08:00

You know I am not morbid, but I do enjoy a good obituary headline. Like, in today's New York Times there is an obituary for a reporter who "Brought Down [a] Scheming Texas Tycoon." That's a good thing to have in your obituary headline! And that obituary has a good sentence in it, too, which I will give you out of context: "A monkey climbed the trees until he got mumps."

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 11, 2011

2011-12-11T08:16:00.001-08:00

Here you go.

Deadly Rainbows of Science

2011-12-10T14:38:00.000-08:00

McNeil sent me an article about scientists creating rainbows in a laboratory but I don't have time to tell you about it because I'm grading papers. PS The rainbows aren't deadly - I just put that in the headline to make it more dynamic.

Oh Brother!

2011-12-10T07:36:00.000-08:00

The New York Times gossip columnist is up to her old antics again. Here is some of a party conversation she supposedly had: "People are obsessed with death. They approach it like a moth approaches a flame." Party! There's also a Samuel Beckett reference and it all starts like this: "Lantern-bearers led the crowd through the darkened streets of Fort Greene, Brooklyn, on Tuesday night to a lavish dinner..." Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Lantern-bearers. Oh my.

Bill Boyle Dressed as an Owl

2011-12-10T06:48:00.000-08:00

Also, here is Bill Boyle dressed as an owl for the Oxford Christmas parade, natch. Hint: his wife works for the Audubon Society!

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 10, 2011

2011-12-10T06:31:00.001-08:00

Your surprise for today.

The Promised Disappointing Photo of George Hamilton

2011-12-09T08:57:00.001-08:00

This is the promised disappointing photo of George Hamilton, which doesn't live up to the exciting way I described it. But he IS squinting in a somewhat angry way as he sips his iced tea... isn't he?

Old-Timey Taxi Cab Palace

2011-12-09T05:01:00.000-08:00

Kent Osborne - who lives in Los Angeles just like my brother - sends in this second photo of a second old-timey taxi from the Sean Penn movie they are shooting next to my brother's place. Wow, this movie is going to be packed to the brim with old-timey taxis. And soon my "blog" will be THE place on the "internet" for modern-day photos of old-timey taxis! That's always been my goal. Meanwhile, my brother reports that Sean Penn was in a movie shoot-out last night. My brother took some video of it but I can't figure out how to download it because I'm an old idiot, to no one's surprise. Here's what my brother says the movie is about: "it's the 'true story' of some cops in the 40s fighting gangsters... and NOT by the book! These fellas know how to bend the rules, see?"

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 9, 2011

2011-12-09T02:40:00.001-08:00

Enjoy.

Hipster Chimp Shoot

2011-12-08T13:18:00.000-08:00

Mr. Ward writes to remind me that the time we saw George Hamilton eating lunch we were in Los Angeles for our "hipster chimp shoot." Don't ask. Okay, I will tell you. I think you could win a lot of awful pizza by watching SAVED BY THE BELL. So Mr. Ward and I made this contest spot featuring various tattooed youngsters having a swinging dance party on a helicopter pad on the roof of a downtown office building with their baby chimp sidekick, just like in real life. I forgot to tell you, our main hipster character LIVED on the roof of the building, apparently. He had a couch and a lamp and a TV set up there and everything. We dollied in a hipster angel who threw glitter and I am pretty sure she fell off the dolly and sued TBS. FUN FACT: It is cold and windy on a helicopter pad, and your teeth will chatter and you will shiver and shake, yet the sun will fry and burn your delicate flesh and poison your very blood! They finally had to wrap me in a blanket. It was very sad. Mr. Ward found the George Hamilton photo but he didn't send it in a format I could download here. While we wait, I will just warn you that it is completely disappointing.

Check Out the Dragon's Hump

2011-12-08T12:27:00.000-08:00

The good (?) people at VICE magazine are serializing my sprawling fantasy epic THE DRAGON'S HUMP, book eleven in my beloved BRIGANDS OF THE BOG series (named by my brother-in-law David). Check it out.

Radio Needs Money

2011-12-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

Citizens of Oxford! Be sure to come out to the Lyric Theater this very eve at Six of the Clock for a holiday-themed Thacker Mountain Radio fundraiser. Both Dr. Theresa and I will be reading. Dr. Theresa will present a touching memory of Christmas in Egypt. I will do something wildly inappropriate. Arguably! Also there will be music and fun. And all it costs is a great deal of your money.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 8, 2011

2011-12-08T07:43:00.001-08:00

I certainly hope you have been checking in here for a glimpse of the "blog" advent calendar every single day! Always a new surprise.

Sizzling Celebrity Gossip

2011-12-08T07:32:00.000-08:00

Welcome once again to "Sizzling Celebrity Gossip," your one place on the "internet" to enjoy the kind of gossip about celebrities that sizzles! ITEM! A Sean Penn movie is being shot in my brother's neighborhood. It must take place in 1948 because they put up this poster of RED RIVER at the movie theater, and hey, get a load of this old-timey taxi (below)! What's that? You say that you don't consider an old-timey taxi to be sizzling celebrity gossip? Shut up, jerk! My brother is going to look out of his window a lot and tell me all the sizzling celebrity gossip that happens and then you'll be sorry.

Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner 7

2011-12-07T10:52:00.000-08:00

Speaking of Mr. Ward, you will be glad to hear that it is time for another edition of "Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner." Today Mr. Ward sends us a video clip ("click" here) of an actual witness to the Lincoln assassination appearing as a contestant on a TV game show. He's a little shaky. As the host explains, "By golly, he got to the hotel and fell down the steps and gave himself a shiner." (To see John Cage on another episode of the same game show, "click" here. Game shows used to be different!)

My Much Anticipated George Hamilton Considerations

2011-12-07T10:17:00.000-08:00

Just turned on TCM and saw George Hamilton playing Moss Hart. And I thought, "Huh, George Hamilton starred in biopics as Moss Hart and Hank Williams. That's weird." And then I kept thinking. I thought, "To whom will this be of interest? No one! Therefore, I will put it on my 'blog.'" And then, dear reader, I kept thinking about George Hamilton. I thought about all the brand-name top-shelf directors he has worked with, such as Vincent Minnelli, Woody Allen, and Francis Ford Coppola. In the latter case, I have always wondered whether there might have been a touch of vengefulness in the casting. Like, Francis Ford Coppola was thinking, "Oh yeah, Robert Duvall? You're not coming back for GODFATHER III? I'll get GEORGE HAMILTON to replace you and see how you like that!" Nor did my thinking about George Hamilton end there. I recalled a time that Mr. Ward and I were in Los Angeles, and for some reason the rental place had issued us a creepy van instead of a normal car. We were driving down Sunset Boulevard when we spied George Hamilton eating at a sidewalk café. So we turned the van around and parked on the street right in front of him and started yelling out the window: "George Hamilton! Hey! George Hamilton!" When he looked up, Mr. Ward took a picture of him and sped away. George Hamilton was mad! I wonder if Mr. Ward still has that picture; after all, he still has the picture of the Foster Brooks robot.

Some Blurb

2011-12-07T08:11:00.001-08:00

So here's part of Cynthia Ozick's blurb for SABBATAI SEVI: THE MYSTICAL MESSIAH by Gershom Scholem: "There are certain magisterial works of the human mind that alter comprehension so unpredictably and on so prodigious a scale that culture itself is set awry... Obviously it is not possible to 'review' such a work, any more than one can review a mountain range." All right! That's all I want from a blurb. Is that too much to ask?

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 7, 2011

2011-12-07T06:50:00.000-08:00

Your daily advent calendar surprise.

Frasier, Briefly

2011-12-06T21:11:00.001-08:00

So I was eating a sandwich today while a rerun of CHEERS was on and Carla told Frasier that a bee had crawled into his shirt. So FRASIER IMMEDIATELY TORE OFF HIS SHIRT. So Frasier was doing that way back on CHEERS before it became a leitmotif on his eponymous show. By the way, Carla was just messing with him. There was no bee in Frasier's shirt. This has been another edition of "Frasier, Briefly."

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 6, 2011

2011-12-06T08:14:00.001-08:00

Hi.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 5, 2011

2011-12-05T05:13:00.001-08:00

Today's surprise.

A Fond Farewell

2011-12-04T13:58:00.001-08:00

And so we wish you a fond farewell on behalf of all the good folks at SKIN MAG, the human literary magazine. Until next time, keep your shirt on! Photos by Rachel Smith.

Addressing the Controversy!

2011-12-04T13:40:00.000-08:00

There is no controversy. Tom Franklin was the winner of the SKIN MAG poetry contest. Yes, he is married to Beth Ann Fennelly, who did President's Challenge push-ups alongside SKIN MAG! So what? SKIN MAG cares not for your small-minded propriety. Still, contest judge Gary Short HAD NO IDEA who the contestants were. And in fact, when you think about it, what does Tom Franklin get out of this? Part of the big "prize" was being mentioned on this "blog," WHERE AN ENTIRE SECTION IS ALREADY DEVOTED TO HIM. It's all just sad if you really think about it. Look, SKIN MAG operates by word of mouth. When I suggested to SKIN MAG that SKIN MAG should have a "web" site, SKIN MAG replied, "NO 'WEB' SITE!" in a startled and offended tone. So maybe as word gets around about SKIN MAG, there will be a greater number of contestants who are not Tom Franklin. Submissions for the next issue of SKIN MAG will occur around "the solstice," says SKIN MAG ominously. Pictured, from left: SKIN MAG, judge, "blogger," contest winner, push-up doer.

How Poetry Works

2011-12-04T13:18:00.000-08:00

Here we see poet Ann Fisher-Wirth applying the title of the winning poem to SKIN MAG, the human literary magazine. Below, SKIN MAG attempts to destroy the original copy of the poem through the medium of fire. But poetry refuses to be destroyed!

The President's Challenge

2011-12-04T13:07:00.000-08:00

This is part three of our continuing coverage of SKIN MAG, the human literary magazine. If you need to catch up, please "click" here for part one or here for part two. Pictured: SKIN MAG scampering away down the sidewalk from the City Grocery Bar (not pictured). That extra set of legs? Why, they belong to none other than poet Beth Ann Fennelly, who accompanied SKIN MAG to the preordained spot for a series of President's Challenge push-ups. Reports say that Fennelly did 20 President's Challenge push-ups in a grand show of moral support. It is assumed that SKIN MAG went on to complete the promised number of 55.

Anybody Home?

2011-12-04T12:46:00.000-08:00

Still waiting to hear whether I am allowed to show poet Ann Fisher-Wirth printing the contents of SKIN MAG in lipstick directly onto the medium. It may violate SKIN MAG's strict rule about reproduction! Reportedly, when SKIN MAG was read at Faulkner's grave (the culmination of its "publication"), latecomers asked if the poem could be repeated, and SKIN MAG replied, "No. It will never be uttered again." (To that end, Ann's husband Peter was not allowed to view the printing. Known for his prodigious memory, he once performed the entirety of KRAPP'S LAST TAPE for one of Barry Hannah's classes. The utter obliteration required by SKIN MAG could not be complete had the poem been allowed to live on in the amazing brain of Peter Wirth.) In the meantime, here is SKIN MAG discovering that Faulkner's house was closed to visitors by the time SKIN MAG arrived. So the planned shirtless tour did not happen! The next part of the plan did, though: SKIN MAG perpetrated a classic "ding-dong ditch" prank at the home of famed novelist Richard Ford. As the house did not appear to have a doorbell, SKIN MAG was required to bang frantically with a knocker before running away. Witnesses stated that a tall figure could be seen moving behind a window, and suddenly the front porch blazed with light. What happened next, nobody knows. SKIN MAG had vanished mysteriously into the gathering gloom.

Trash Pillows

2011-12-04T10:53:00.000-08:00

While I am waiting, I will tell you about an infomercial I watched in the wee hours while I couldn't sleep. It was for a revolutionary new pillow that looks exactly like a pillow. ORDINARY PILLOWS SIMPLY DON'T WORK, the graphics kept proclaiming. Maybe they're right! I was awake! I think it is kind of clever when they run the "can't sleep" infomercials during the hours when people should be sleeping. Dr. Theresa's fave moment - that's right! She noticed I wasn't in bed and got up and joined me for a spell - came when an interview subject said, "The pillows you buy at the market are just trash, really." I liked the "neurologist" who couldn't help grinning broadly and even laughing every time he tried to make an outlandish, straight-faced claim about the pillow. It was his "tell," I think! The woman who hosted the infomercial had the appearance and mannerisms of Michelle Bachmann. She tried to tell a moving story about her little daughter saying she had become a better mommy since purchasing the pillow. I think she tried to tear up or choke up or something while she told it BUT IT DIDN'T WORK. She couldn't make herself go through with it.