PW says "P-U!": Grateful Nation Spared Reckless Purchase

Just got a note from my agent, alerting me to a review of AWESOME in Publishers Weekly. Guess what? They don't like it! A lot! A lot they don't like it. How do I know? Because in the first sentence of the review, the phrase "overly cute" pops up. And just in case you didn't get it, the phrase "overly cute" makes a special return appearance in the last sentence of the one-paragraph review. Because God forbid you should forget! Sandwiched in between, however, is a fairly zippy and quite precise summary of the book which, if you lopped off the first half of the first sentence and the last half of the last sentence (as I am sure some savvy marketing person at my publisher will do), sounds kind of appealing... to me. But hey, I wrote the book. The only reason I bring it up, though, is to warn everyone that despite PW's interesting take, AWESOME is NOT (as they seem to imply) a book for children or young adults, or whatever they're calling them now. Do NOT let your young adult read AWESOME! It is for OLD adults. I do not question the parenting skills of the reviewer. I'm just mildly surprised and felt obliged to issue a general warning.

Velvety Chuck

Theresa and I watched THE OMEGA MAN last night. Do you know what Charlton Heston does after his first battle with the mutants? He goes upstairs to his penthouse suite and changes into a green velvet suit with an extraordinarily frilly shirt. Longtime "blog" readers will celebrate the return of our famous velvet suit tally after its long dormancy. Others will pity me for the way I squander my precious time. Who is right? History will judge! P.S. I found one picture of Charlton Heston in his green velvet suit on the "internet," but it was grainy and dark and made the suit look like a bathrobe. Anticlimactic! So instead, I present a crystal clear "still" of THE OMEGA MAN (above), striking for its lack of context, sans velvet suit, sans everything. Enjoy!

Accuracy Confounds

To prove the accuracy of our most recent "post" - something we seldom do because we are seldom accurate - we "link" you here to an interview with George Singleton in which he makes mention of Gogol in the aforementioned manner and goes so far as to say *** SPOILER ALERT! *** "Faulkner is as Russian as Dostoevsky."

C-Spandemonium!

Welcome once again to C-Spandemonium! You may know it better as "James Whorton, Jr.'s C-Spandemonium!" but sometimes we write a quick one on our own while we wait for Mr. Whorton's next communication. So yesterday on C-Span 2 I saw the author Nathan Englander state that he thinks of Flannery O'Connor as a Russian writer. It reminded me of something! At the Decatur Book Festival one year, I attended a panel on which sat one George Singleton. Someone in the audience asked Mr. Singleton to name his favorite Southern writer, and he said "Gogol." What does all this mean? Something, possibly!

The Subject Was Apples

As promised, here is another picture of the progress of McNeil's apple tree. It looks a whole lot like the last picture to me, a non-expert on the subject of apples. Hey, that's good. We're changing the title of this feature from "Jeffy McAppleseed's Famous Apple Timeline Bonanza" to the infinitely more dignified "The Subject Was Apples." Done! If anything, McNeil's apple seems to have become smaller. Or maybe it's a different apple (see above; not an expert). Look, what do you want from me?

Nostradamus's Newspaper

Come with me now, into the mysterious realm of the future, where we shall read TOMORROW'S NEWSPAPER TODAY! Yes, although it is Saturday, we have seen a portion of Sunday's New York Times, an article ("click" here) about Lynda Barry, to be precise, in which our good friend Kelly Hogan is summed up parenthetically in two words by a Times reporter. "Torch singer" they call her. That is pretty good as far as two-word parenthetical summations go - although I think Kelly has heard that one a lot and is probably tired of it. Just a guess. "Chanteuse" is worse! Speaking of Lynda Barry, it is my sad duty to report that I will not be in that anthology with her after all. The subject of my essay was supposed to be "a bad relationship." I could not think of anything that seemed gentlemanly to report and besides I was always the bad one, which ran counter to the anthology's theme. Oh well! But it made me sad because I wanted to rub shoulders with Lynda Barry. (Pictured, the future.)

Laura Lippman's 115th Dream

Remember when I dreamed about the end of Laura Lippman's book? Well, Laura Lippman reports in turn, "I want to see Boeing, Boeing so badly that I actually dreamed about it last night." The "blog" is on its way to becoming our nation's greatest repository of dreams. Hey, kids! The title of this "post" is a "spoofy" "takeoff" on a Bob Dylan song title! "Click" here if you don't believe me! You're welcome!

My Beeswax

Do you like food? Sure you do! Or maybe you don't! It's none of my beeswax. Indeed, I was speaking with a perfectly nice gentleman the other day about the glories of the Southern Foodways Symposium when the gentleman in question remarked, and I quote, "I don't care for food." Wow! I believe I nodded. On the inside, I was perturbed! Yet I knew not to judge. Live and let live! To each his own! But goodness! It reminded me, in some reverse way, of the scene in TRUE STORIES in which David Byrne turns to the camera and says, "Do you like music? Everyone SAYS they do." Where was I? Oh yes. If you like food, then the book HEAT by Bill Buford is the book for you! I know I vowed to stop mentioning what I'm reading (again) yet I am a strange and intoxicating creature, changeable and full of delightful whims! Insert an appropriate quotation from Emerson or Whitman here! The NBIL loaned me his copy of HEAT, and I am forever grateful. He thought I would like it because my recipe ("posted" by Maud Newton recently) was inspired in part by Mario Batali, who is one of the central figures in the book. In fact, as the NBIL told me, the "pasta water trick" I learned from Mr. Batali's TV show, and related in my muddled way on Maud Newton's "blog," is also recounted in Mr. Buford's text. This is a book so powerful that it made me go out at ten o'clock the other night and order fried quail eggs and guanciale on toast. But that's not why I bring it up right now. You know how interested in/terrifed of the vagaries of fate we are here at the "blog," particularly when said vagaries are represented by someone (Alban Berg, for example) dying of an insect bite. So last night I read a passage from HEAT in which the (probably legendary) chef Meluzza Comasca, who, back in the 17th century, was supposedly the first to add eggs to his recipe for fresh pasta, "died prematurely of an insect bite ... his doughy inventions were so famous they were described in an epitaph on his tomb." Say, did you know that David Byrne initially approached object of "blog"scination Paul Harvey (pictured) to play his (Byrne's) role in TRUE STORIES? It's true! And now you know... THE REST OF THE STORY. Hey, Mr. Ward and I once put a Paul Harvey reference in a script we did for MTV. At the read-through, one guy laughed. He had a walrus moustache and was even older than us. We have no idea what he was doing at MTV. But he laughed loud! It made the surrounding silence even more unbearable. And now you know... THE REST of the REST OF THE STORY.

Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner

Welcome again to Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner. Today Dr. "M." dashes off a brief note - brief, yes, but a shining model nonetheless of the factual accuracy and grammatical precision we have come to expect from Dr. "M." "Amy Madigan," she writes, " is the actress to whom you refer." Hey, it occurs to me while typing that "actress" is an outmoded word - right? - and everyone is a plain old "actor" now, regardless of gender, which is as it should be. I'm too lazy to correct my former "post" (or this one) but I will try to be more thoughtful in the future. When Dr. "M." uses the word "actress" she is quite properly adhering to the content (however flawed) of the "primary source," and is too polite to correct me, another of Dr. "M.'s" admirable traits. In other Dr. "M." news, she is trying to tempt me to join facebook. My bitter, suspicious feelings on the subject are well known.

Forgot to Read the Newspaper

I forgot to read the newspaper today! And now I just feel like, "What's the point?"

Speaking of Stang

Speaking of Stang, which refers not only to beloved character actor Arnold Stang, but the "blog's" own patented "lingo" for money, our friend Verdell (pictured) writes in from "the coast" to say, "I've started using 'Ka-stang,' rather than 'Ka-ching,' when I want to declare something to be a particularly savvy moneymaking endeavor." The sad truth is, Verdell may be the last person keeping "Stang" alive. What heart! What a trouper! Don't let her down. Let's all remember the true meaning of "Stang"!

That One Actress

Every single time that one actress appears on TV, I say, "She's married to Ed Harris." And Theresa says, "I know."

Censoring Mr. Soupy

I have removed my "link" to the fellow (or madam) who was pretending to be Soupy Sales on the "internet." I "clicked" on it just now, and the pseudo-Soupy had begun to work a little too "blue" for the comfort of this "blog." If you find yourself mightily compelled to seek out the mildly filthy typing of someone who is pretending to be Soupy Sales on the "internet," I am sure you can do it if you put your mind to it! But I no longer feel pleasant at the thought of helping. Still, it is none of my business what you do with your private time! For your enjoyment and edification, and in honor of the real Soupy Sales, who is - we feel certain - a kindly old gentleman in the Arnold Stang mode - please gaze upon this rendition of a can of soup by Andy Warhol.

Jeffy McAppleseed's Famous Apple Timeline Bonanza

Welcome, as promised, to "Jeffy McAppleseed's Famous Apple Timeline Bonanza," the most awkwardly titled of all our regular features. Here are some pictures of McNeil's apple tree. What's going on? We're not sure. McNeil sent pictures, but no explanations. Looks like that one apple is wearing a little hat! How adorable. Is that it, McNeil? A little hat? [Note: We can't believe that in our first installment, we didn't "link" to our old "posts" about the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. - ed.] And look, there's a ladybug. Watch out: they bite (as revealed only on the "blog")! Keep your eyes "peeled" for more apple updates.

Today's Weather: Mysterious Clouds of Commerce

Welcome once again to "Today's Weather," in which we explore all the exciting trends of "Today's Weather." My sister enjoys weather. So I sent her a book about clouds. That may be why I just received an interesting "link" from the new brother-in-law (NBIL). In this "link," we learn of a plan to fill the sky with clouds in the shape of corporate logos. You will note that the inventor is from my home state of Alabama. In conclusion, I will remark on the coincidence that in my upcoming detective novel, SHUT UP, UGLY, my spy character, Pearlie Withers, reveals that the government manufactures certain clouds as a means of sending secret messages - a kind of encrypted skywriting. Perhaps I have said too much.

Horizon Enlivened By Bright Shiny Apples

McNeil is concerned. "Do you have 'blog'tigue again?" he asks. No, but he might be forgiven for supposing so. Things have been slow. And any man who leaves a picture of Soupy Sales at the top of his "blog" for so long is exhibiting a certain lack of self-respect. McNeil has volunteered to come to the rescue. His apple tree, which fared so poorly last season, is sprouting blossoms. McNeil may send cell phone pictures of the progress of his apples. He wants to call his new regular feature "Apple's Way," after the forgotten TV show of the same name, to which McNeil has made reference before. We prefer something more in the spirit of McNeil's old column "Jeff McNeil's Island Breezes." Maybe we can work some Yeats into the title. Yeats was all, "the silver apples of the moon" this and "the golden apples of the sun" that. That Yeats!

The Marmalade Guy Strikes Again

Remember the guy who gave me a hot tip on marmalade? Of course you don't! You don't spend your life committing this "blog" to memory. OR DO YOU? Anyway, the marmalade guy is back, only now he has Soupy Sales on the brain. Who? I'm too tired to explain. Soupy Sales is no Wheeler & Woolsey, I'll tell you that much! On the other hand, dig the size of that bowtie! That's like one big bowtie! Anyway, there is some guy on the "internet" pretending to be Soupy Sales. Or maybe he is the real Soupy Sales! But he is not. OR IS HE? My friend writes, "Thought of you when I discovered this." Which makes me unspeakably sad. Now to retire with a cool cloth on my forehead.

Thing I Said Comes True

Hey, remember when I claimed that an excerpt from my upcoming detective novel, SHUT UP, UGLY, would appear in the Oxford American one day? The events foretold have come to pass. And look, there's even a full-page illustration. Not only that, but the illustration indicates that the artist, Kirk Fanelly, actually read the story! Because I don't know how to make the image larger, you'll have to buy the magazine (or visit your local library) to clearly see the tiny detective in the corner and the mysterious headlights outside. Way to go, Kirk Fanelly! Your representation is on the money. You might just say I'm a "fan" of "Fanelly"! Ha ha ha! Wheeeee! Words are fun.

McNeil's Movie Korner: WHAMMO-BLAMMO, BABY!

Welcome once again to the always instructive "McNeil's Movie Korner." Here's the latest from McNeil: "I saw a great, and I mean GREAT, movie last night.....JOHNNY EAGER. After the first fifteen minutes I thought it wasn't going anywhere, and it did have a few minor faults, but after that --- WHAMMO-BLAMMO, BABY! One surprise right after another." (Pictured, Lana Turner, a star of JOHNNY EAGER.)

Extrapolating!

A review of the Broadway revival of BOEING, BOEING in today's New York Times. The reviewer calls it "Euclidean" because he feels needlessly ashamed of himself for thoroughly enjoying something once associated with Jerry Lewis. I'm extrapolating! Often the New York Times will throw Jerry a bone. Today's mention, if not exactly dismissive, wears an air of knowing (read misinformed) chagrin. Wow! That's the worst sentence ever. More coffee for me! (Pictured, Euclid.)